Gandalf's familiar
by Werecat99
Summary: The tenth member of the Fellowship: Middle Earth through the eyes of a cat. Chapter 7 up!
1. Born again

Author's notes: This is my attempt to combine the LotR universe with the one thing I know best. Not horror, certainly not sex, but cats. My attempt to be humorous, and I'd appreciate any feedback, especially since I plan to submit this to a contest.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything LotR. If I did, I'd be in Lothlorien right now. However, Gingerhead is mine, along with six of his kind. Oh, no, correct this: I belong to _them_.

I know that Istari don't have familiars. If you look more carefully in the story, neither has Gandalf. It's probably the other way around. He's the cat's familiar, hehe.

This could well qualify as a LotR/Garfield crossover. Why? Read on and find out.

Dedicated to my kitties…

**Gandalf's Familiar: The tenth member of the fellowship. **

_The 'Lord of the Rings' as seen through the eyes of a cat_.****

**Chapter 1: Born again.**

_Gingerhead's__ POV_.

Cats have nine lives. 

My third life began with wondering which of my past deeds deserved this. Certainly, I had been the terror of mice and birds, having devoured countless of their kin. But I am a cat and this only natural. And although I've eaten fish and snakes and hares and piglets, my heart's secret desire has always been a dragon stew. And I swear I have never harmed a dragon, although I won't promise to behave myself if I ever get to meet one. And I still fail to see what karmic debt has thrown me in _this_ life.

My first memory was the soft purring of my mother, but it was quickly overshadowed by the feeling of suffocation. I remember gasping for breath, fighting with what I will always hate; water. I kicked and clawed, but in vain, for it seemed that I would soon follow my siblings to a wet grave. And then my paws finally grasped something; something soft and warm and I hooked on it as if my life depended on it. 

Well, it _did_ depend on it.

I coughed and I spat, and as soon as I could breathe I stared at the creature that had saved my life. Well, not really. I was doing perfectly well on my own and I had no need of rescue, thank you. So, on with my tale; I took a good look at the creature that was kind enough to pledge himself as my life-long servant.

Oh, curses! Another human. I was hoping for an elf. Cats and elves have similar habits. Both species enjoy the company of trees, ignore the rest of the world and groom themselves obsessively. And behold, I was stuck with yet another human. Just like the one who considered my littermates and I as a threat to his household and dealt with us by throwing us in the stream. I hope in his next life he'll come back as a mouse.

My new servant is obviously old. Not good. I suspect he lacks the vital energy to tend to my needs? I require at least four meals daily, frequent grooming and I won't even start with personal hygiene. He also smells funny, and I think I see smoke coming from his mouth. Strange, I've only heard that dragons can do this. He doesn't look like one, though. Oh, well, one bite will clear this up. Nope. He's not a dragon. I think I will dump him when the first opportunity arises and go live with the elves. 

While I was making plans for my escape, he reached out to touch me despite my bite. Naturally, I hissed at him. And then he laughed. How dare he laugh at me? Doesn't he know it when he's in the presence of his master?

~*~

On his way to the Shire, Gandalf the Grey heard a scream from the waters of a stream nearby. Not a human cry, but this of a kitten. He paused his journey and inspected the bank. Some farmer had thought to dispose of a litter of kittens by drowning them. The old mage sighed, always saddened of how human cruelty had no limits. He reached and pulled out the last surviving kitten, a little ginger-coloured male. The kitten cough and spit, and the wizard was amused by the intelligent glance he granted him. He tried to stroke his back, but he bit his finger and hissed. Gandalf burst in laughter. Then he reached out for the kitten, and this time he caught him and took him in his arms.

"Come on, little fellow," the old wizard said kindly. "Let's travel along for a while". He stared at his huge, round eyes. "I think I will call you Smaugling, little one, for I see in you the heart of a dragon".

~*~

_Gingerhead's__ POV._

Is there any chance you could see in me the breast of a chicken, as well? Close death experiences get me hungry, you know. And Smaugling, what kind of name is this? Are you a mage or something, thinking of such ridiculous names? In case you are interested, I already have a name; _Gingerhead_, and I will not respond to any other than this. I probably will not respond to this either, but no need to tell you that up front.

Fine, so his beard is rather soft, much like my mother's fur. I think I will stick with you for a while.

Until I meet some elves, that is....

~*~

Gandalf smiled as he saw the tiny creature knead his beard purring and then falling asleep on his lap, as he drove his carriage to Shire, to meet Bilbo for his birthday party.

_Such an innocent little soul_, he thought to himself.

Oh, well. Wizards don't know everything, after all.


	2. A night to remember

Author's notes: Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review.

I'm following the film mainly, because my brother has abducted my book, so I can't cross reference with my memory.

**CHAPTER 2: A night to remember.******

_Gingerhead's__ POV._

The road goes ever on and on, and so does his blasted singing. Doesn't he ever shut up? It was fun at first, quite much like a lullaby, I would dare to admit. But after four hours, I am rather annoyed. We cats have rather sensitive ears, and I would appreciate some silence.

Time to get up. Are we there yet? And where are we going, in the first place? It better be someplace with food and warmth and flowers I can shred. Well, this looks promising. No humans, just some little folk. If my past lives' memory serves well, these must be hobbits. Just like cats, they value food and having a good time doing nothing. Hmm ...perhaps I won't go to the elves. Perhaps I will stay here, if it proves to be to my liking.

I glare at my servant and complain loudly. He smiles. Why on earth would he smiling? I need to be fed but, most important, I have to relieve myself. So I mew louder. _Still smiling_. Perhaps he's not as bright as I had thought at first. I mew again, and assault his beard. And now he's laughing. Oh, Gingerhead, admit it. This human here is a lost cause. I quit my attempts on interspecies communication and search the back of his wagon for a place to relieve myself. It is filled with big papery things, perfect for claw practice. Mental note to explore this option later. For now, I peek through a hole and see they are filled with some dark sand. _Perfect!_ I claw through the paper and dig an even bigger hole. Ahh... at last, release.

Meanwhile, one of the short creatures has climbed on the wagon. So, it is time to check if this one has any potential of becoming my servant. I climb back front and announce my presence.

~*~

Frodo Baggins climbed on Gandalf's wagon, delighted to meet the wizard. Among pleasantries and talking over Bilbo, he heard a loud mew from the back. He turned and saw a cute orange kitten climbing to the front of the wagon.

"Gandalf, who's that little guy?" he asked in amusement.

"That's a kitten I pulled out of a stream half dead, the poor thing. Frodo, meet Smaugling. Smaugling, this is Frodo," replied Gandalf smiling.

The kitten jumped on Frodo's knees and sniffed him. Then he licked his finger, attempting a soft bite. And then he jumped on Gandalf's lap, curled, raised his back leg and started washing his privates.

Wizard and hobbit burst in laughter.

~*~

_Gingerhead's__ POV._

This is hopeless. The halfling smells like food but he doesn't taste like it. How long do I have to wait to get serviced here? I am deeply disappointed. So there. See what I think of you as I clean myself up.

The hobbit is gone, and we finally stop outside what seems to be a hole in the ground. Oh, great. Another hobbit. I go inside first, as this one was kind enough to keep the door open for me. Man and hobbit are talking about mountains and other trivial stuff, while I track my way to the kitchen. At last, here's my breakfast.

I hear the halfling, I think Bilbo is his name, offering chicken leftovers to the human. Well, check again, Master Bilbo. There aren't any anymore. Same applies to the apple-pie and cream. And yes, I would also like some tea, thank you.

~*~

"Gandalf, this cat of yours has eaten half my food supply," said Bilbo, hardly believing his eyes. Gandalf appeared rather embarrassed.

"Smaugling, come over here," he said wearily and patted his hand on his lap. No response from the kitten. "My apologies, Bilbo. The poor thing must have been malnourished for days now".

Bilbo chuckled.

"No offence taken, old friend. We hobbits can appreciate a healthy appetite". The kitten got up, walked over to Bilbo and jumped on his lap purring loudly.

~*~

_Gingerhead's__ POV_

My name is not Smaugling. And yes, I have been malnourished. You are now officially off my service, and I am staying with this hobbit here. So, time to act cute. 

Master Bilbo, see how innocent I look purring and chasing my tale? Don't you feel that you should protect me? Feed me and groom me until the end of your days? Oh, rats' tails! He is not falling for it. And he hands me over to the human again. Oh, well, I will try again later. At least the human's beard is soft and welcoming, a perfect place to sleep on and wipe my nether parts, if the need arises.

I wake up hours later. I stretch out and check on my new surroundings. Hey, it is a party! I can see little folk dancing, drinking and, yes, eating! I jump on the first table I find and purr loudly, mewing as I haven't been fed in ages, which is not a complete lie. We cats have a different perception of time, when it comes to food. And behold, it worked. I work my way through pies and pork ribs, while everyone comments on how cute I am. Ah, to be a cat. The whole world is at your paws with just the slightest effort.

Time to check on my servant. I find him going through his papery things. He looks at me with utter disappointment. I guess he finally found out the one that served me as a toilet. What's that look for? I told you I had to relieve myself, did I not? He pulls out another one, lights it up and ... Oh, Great Mother of all the Cats, the sky is falling on our heads! Run for your lives!

I run among huge, hairy feet, jump on tables, knock over platters of food and splash in mugs of ale, until I finally find a safe place under a carriage.

~*~

Gandalf laughed to tears when he saw the kitten running in terror as the first firework went off. It caused havoc through his wild escape, passing through dishes of food and mugs of beer, hissing and spitting, fluffed up like a bristle brush. A lot of hobbit heads turned to see what this storming menace was, thinking it was just another wizard trick. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he waved at Frodo.

"Frodo, my dear boy, please go find Smaugling. The poor thing got scared from the fireworks."

Frodo found the kitten under a carriage. It trembled, but when he tried to catch it, Gingerhead hissed and spat.

"Hey, little fellow, he said gently. "Are you afraid of the fireworks?"

At that point, back in the shadows, Merry and Pippin abducted one of Gandalf's biggest fireworks.

~*~ 

_Gingerhead's__ POV_

I am not coming out and, if you value your life, you will join me in here as well. 

Excuse me? Fireworks?

I knew that.

I was just checking to see how long it would take you to find me, should I need any help, Gods forbid. And I can perfectly find my way back on my own, thank you.

Why on earth are you snickering? What if I am covered in cream?

~*~

Merry and Pippin set off the Dragon firework. Everyone fell on the ground in terror. 

Well, not everyone.

~*~

_Gingerhead's__ POV.___

A dragon! It is mine! I saw it first and it is mine! 

Why are these hobbits on the ground? Never mind, I will walk over them as I go dragon hunting. Oh, blast. It is just another one of the wizard's tricks.

Now I am bored. I will go sleep on his beard again. 

Apparently, great things happened while I was sleeping. I wake up to find myself in the hobbit is hol-, uhm, house. Bilbo and my human talk over a ring. And the hobbit departs. Too bad, I liked him. But he drops that ring on the floor. I think I should check out what all the fuss is about.

I sniff it. _Nothing. I lick it. Nothing again, apart from a faint taste of ale from the hobbit's hands. I push it with my paw and it lightly jingles on the stone floor. Not much fun, but it shines nicely. I pick it up with my teeth and take it to the human. _

Here's your ring. It seems nice and shiny and probably of some value. Go out and sell it and buy me food.

Why are you staring at me like that?

~*~

Gandalf froze when he saw the ring he suspected to be the One Ring to be offered to him. Not by Bilbo, but by the kitten he had saved earlier. What kind of a test was this? Could this kitten be more than he appeared?

And then Frodo came in, and Gandalf departed to investigate further, leaving both Smaugling and the ring in the hobbit is care.

"Keep it hidden, keep it safe," he warned him.

~*~

_Gingerhead's__ POV._

Wrong instructions. You should have said: 'Keep him warm, keep him fed _and_ keep him safe'. And certainly not hidden. 

He's gone.

I feel a bit sad, actually. I had started to like the big guy. Of course, I would never have him know.

So, Mr.Frodo, is there anything to eat around here?


	3. Of Rings, of Wizards and Elves

Author's notes: The scene with Aragorn, Arwen and Gingerhead is inspired from a true incident. Believe me, you don't want more details.

Many thanks to all of you who took the naughty cat in your hearts. Gifts, cat-food and reviews greatly appreciated. 

**CHAPTER 3: Of Rings, of Wizards and Elves.**

_Gingerhead's POV_.

Life with the Hobbits has been fun. There is lots of food, plenty of rest in the sun, limitless fun shredding the gardens and then watching Sam's face turning red. Sometimes I think he'll burst. I suspect that at certain times he would very much like to kick me. But then I put on my _'defenceless kitten' face and I have him wrapped around my paw. Ah, to be a cat. It is a good life._

I have taken a lot of time demonstrating the first law of Feline Home Economics to the Hobbits. If it is on the floor, it is mine. If it is not, I will throw it there and claim it for my own. 

It is not my fault you that own so many fragile things.

~*~

A couple of weeks later Gandalf returned, with knowledge that Bilbo's ring was indeed Isildur's Bane. He left to consult with Saruman, while the Hobbits went to Bree.

A very unhappy Gingerhead went with Gandalf.

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

I told you, I didn't want to go! I was perfectly happy dozing off by the fireplace and you had to come in with more ring talk, as if I care. 

You said that you wouldn't leave me all alone at the Shire, wizard. But I'm certain that I would have better chances with the Hobbits than with you.

I don't like riding a horse. I don't like horses in general, unless they are served with cream and salad. Probably that's why horses don't like me, either. I swear this beast of yours tried to kick me at least twice. How could he dare to harm an innocent kitten the size of his hoof?

All I did was to attempt stealing a bite from his hind leg, just checking if the continuous galloping hardens the meat. 

And where are we going? I am tired.

~*~

Gandalf reached Isengard. Saruman walked out to meet him, and Gingerhead jumped out of the saddle's side pockets. He hissed at the horse and went on to check Saruman. He hissed at him too, much to Gandalf's embarrassment.

"Smaugling, that was not a nice thing to do. Old friend, please excuse my companion. He's exhausted from the journey," said Gandalf apologetically, while Gingerhead mewed hysterically, trying to claw his way up in Gandalf's lap.

Saruman stared at the kitten in silence. Something in Gingerhead's eyes bothered him.

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

Finally, I feel the earth under my paws. The stupid horse tried to kick me again, so I gave him a piece of my mind. Hey, another wizard! Perhaps he can show me the proper respect!

I do not like him. He smells bad. He smells of death, like the human who threw me in the water. I think we have to go now. My imbecile wizard-servant doesn't have a clue. Hey, Gandalf, over here! We have to go! And when will you understand that my name is not Smaugling?

No, I don't want food this time! Oh, Great Mother of Cats, he's taking me inside!

~*~

Gandalf discovered Saruman was in league with Sauron. They duelled, and Gandalf ended up imprisoned in Orthanc. Gingerhead hissed and spat at Saruman, who kicked him up to Orthanc too.

Needless to say Gingerhead was beside himself.

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

In later lives, I think the account of the duel between the two wizards will highly impress the females of my species and thus increase my chances of more offspring to take over the world. For now, I am really, really annoyed.

White Wizard gave Grey Wizard a good spanking, before he threw him up here. I couldn't stay aside, of course. No one has the right to beat my servant than me. So I told him exactly that.

I suppose he missed the point. The White Wizard is not so wise, after all. He thought I was defending my _master. If he were as wise as he claims to be, he would know that cats don't have masters. We have servants. We are not dogs or horses._

Speaking of horses, I am getting hungry. The Grey Wizard was deeply touched by the thought that I tried to defend him. I will allow him to believe that. Let him die happily. If he dies unhappy, the meat will taste gross afterwards. 

~*~

Many days passed and Gandalf was still imprisoned. So was Gingerhead, who had been feeding off flying insects. Finally, Gandalf sent word to the Windlord.

And Gingerhead was very, very hungry...

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

Great Mother of all Cats, please, explain to this kitten what has he done to end up in this life? I am hungry. I dream of chicken breasts and thick cream and fish fresh from the stream. These damned moths have hardly any meat on them. At least the wizard was kind enough to summon a faint light to attract them, so I can have my snacks. 

I am still eating him when he dies, thought.

I walk to the edge and check below. Wow! That's a long way down. I wonder how many of my remaining lives it will cost me to jump down. Probably all of them.

I think I see a bird approaching. That's a _big bird. A __very big bird. With equally big drumsticks. _

Hey, Birdie, want to be my friend?

Oh, no. Please, not this. Oh, the humiliation! Oh, the horror! Great Mother of all the Cats, if I could be spared this, I promise I won't eat another bird for, well, a week.

No such luck. The wizard jumped on the eagle's back, dragging me along. Me, the terror of pigeons and sparrows, escaping on the wings of a bird. A very huge eagle, the king of eagles, but still a bird.

I wonder if I can just have a bite. Probably not. It is still a long way down. And judging by the glimpse in its eyes, I think he finds me just as tempting.

How could I ever forget that eagles are carnivores as well? Gingerhead, it is time for a strategic retreat. Hide in the wizard's robes and do not make a sound.

~*~

On the wings of Gwaihir, Gandalf reached Rivendell in safety. Elrond welcomed him and Gingerhead was ecstatic to finally meet the elves. And his long delayed supper, of course. 

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

At last. Peace, quiet, food and rest. And elves! I knew I should come here in the first place! I have put up my best effort to act cute, hoping they will keep me here.

There seems to be one problem, though. The Bossy Elf-Lord who runs things around here. He's not buying my act. This one is not easy to fool. I suppose I need a different approach in this case. And behold, here she comes; his daughter.

Oh, she's pretty! And soft, and smells nice. And naturally, my feline charm wins her heart right away. I have always had great success with the ladies. She brought me treats and a soft cushion.

Don't look at me like that, wizard. How should I know I was supposed to sleep on it? I thought it was for claw practice. That's why I shred it to pieces right away. You should be proud of me; I did it in record time. Besides, I don't need cushions to sleep on. That's why I have you. Cushions do not scream when I knead them with my razor sharp claws in the middle of the night.

The pretty Elf-Lady asks from her father to keep me. He declines. I am offended.

I will get to him, sooner or later.

~*~

After the assault of the Ringwraiths, Glorfindel brought wounded Frodo to Rivendell, to be treated by Lord Elrond. Gingerhead remembered the Hobbit, and tried to assist in any possible way. He spent the night on Frodo's chest and hissed at Elrond when he came back the next morning. Gandalf was amused.

"No, Smaugling, he is not here to harm Frodo. Lord Elrond is here to help him get better," the wizard tried to explain, smiling.

Elrond was not smiling.

~*~

_Gingerhead's POV_.

Hey, that's Frodo! What's wrong with him? Is he wounded? Will he be all right? Bossy Elf-Lord, will you do your tricks to treat him, please? 

After the elf leaves, I will jump on Frodo's chest and guard him while he sleeps. If he dies, I will eat him, and better think twice before stealing my prey.

_Perfect_. The Bossy Elf-Lord is back. He's mine, I tell you! Mine! Go find your own dinner.

Well, what do you know? Frodo was actually healed. I may have missed a nice hobbit stew, but I am not complaining. I rather like the lad.

More hobbits came along. And a human, who smells worse than Gandalf's horse. Doesn't he ever bathe? On the other hand, I think I know why Bossy Elf-Lord won't let his daughter keep me. She already has a pet. Perhaps some elf law won't allow her to have more than one pet. It doesn't matter, really. I will try and make her dump him and adopt me in his place. I am cleaner, I am cuter and I eat less. Oh, well, I don't eat less, but she won't find out until it is too late.

Sticking with my plan, I followed her last night and saw her grooming her pet-human. That was weird. I had no idea that humans have tails too. And on the wrong side, of all places. Mine is on my back, not up front. 

I jumped up, demanding to be groomed as well. The pet-human was greatly annoyed; the Elf-Lady was greatly embarrassed. The Bossy Elf-Lord rather amused, actually. I don't think he likes his daughter's pet-human much.

New plan from now on. I am following pet-human Aragorn everywhere he goes and mew loudly, attempting to get on Elf-Lord's good side.

I don't think Aragorn likes me, though. I wonder why.


	4. The tenth member of the Fellowship

Author's notes: I continue this story with fear of my own life. I think my cats have discovered I'm revealing their secrets...

Thanks to everyone who has taken Gingerhead in their hearts. 

The scenes with Elrond and Gimli are inspired by true incidents. Since most of you are already owned by cats, I'm sure you know of what I mean. Same goes with Aragorn. And trust me, you don't want more details on this.

CHAPTER 4: The tenth member of the Fellowship.

__

Gingerhead's POV.

He tricked me. I don't believe this. He tricked me.

When Bossy Elf-Lord said that there should be a member of every free folk in the Fellowship, _I knew_ I shouldn't stand up and mew. 

Then I saw the glimpse in his eye. I think he's rather relieved to see me go. I wonder why. Perhaps he's still angry with me, for dragging his purple underwear through the council, right out the laundry basket. Personally, I thought it was rather hilarious. The dwarves seemed to share my views. Even pet-human Aragorn seemed amused.

Speaking of which, I don't think he's amused I'm going along. I detect a murderous sparkle in his eyes. I think he's still annoyed with me, for playing 'what's hanging' with his tail that night. We cats love to chase our tails. How could I know humans don't?

Oh, great. Here we go again. Four hobbits, a dwarf, an elf, two humans and my wizard, all for a stupid ring. And a pony named Bill. It was thoughtful of them to bring my dinner along.

Pretty Elf Lady wept when her pet human left. She kissed _me_, though. 

Bossy Elf-Lord smiled. He's happy for getting rid of both his daughter's pets. I stare back at him.

You may be immortal, but I have six more lives. You haven't seen the last of me.

~*~

As Elrond saw the Fellowship depart, he couldn't help wondering if he had sent a wolf among the lambs.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Ok, let's see with what kind of creatures I'm stuck up with this time.

First of all, there's the wizard-servant named Gandalf. He still doesn't have a clue. Not as bright as thought to be, this one. And he still calls me Draco, despite the fact that I've never responded to the stupid name. He's good to me, though. He summons bugs and does little tricks I can play with. He pets me and he's good to sleep on. If he dies, I'm still eating him.

Then, there are four hobbits. I like them. They are fun and they value food almost as much as I do. They also play with me a lot. Their feet, however, are a new kind of hazard. I dread to think what my poor tail would suffer if one of them stepped on it. I'd be the first cat with a flat tail. I wonder what it would do for pet-human's tail. That would hurt. Mental note to explore this later. If one of the hobbits die, I'm still eating him. Providing one of the rest hobbits doesn't beat me to it.

Two humans: Aragorn and Boromir. Aragorn still hates me after seeing Elf-Lady kissing me instead of him, despite the fact he has just as much facial hair. He should learn from a master, instead of holding it against me. I don't like the one called Boromir. He doesn't like me either. He's a dog person. I'm certainly not going to play 'fetch' with him. The only variation of this game that is to my liking is "Boromir, fetch me my dinner". If any of the humans die, I'm still eating them.

Then there's the elf. Cute, nice smelling elf named Legolas. I was surprised to hear he's male. He surely tricked me. But I like him. He smells nice, he's soft and he sings to me. Of all of them, I think he's the only one who understands my name isn't Draco. He's got a nice looking bow, but he won't use it to bring me birds. I'll train him, in time. If he dies, I'm definitely eating him. Softest meat I've seen in ages.

And then there's the dwarf, Gimli son of something. Up to now, I hadn't met a biped with as much fur as a cat. Well, almost as much. He liked me after my trick with Elf-Lord's underwear, but I don't feel safe going close to him. This much fur might suffocate me. And I'm definitely _not_ eating him after he dies. It would be a hard task to reach to the meat under that pelt. The hobbits may have him.

Last but not least, there's Bill the pony. It's a horse. He hates me. I'll probably eat him before he dies.

~*~

The Fellowship attempted to pass over Caradhras, but the mountain bested them. They travelled to the entrance of Moria, to seek a route under the mountain. 

Gingerhead was not happy with any of their choices.

Not a surprise, really.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Let's go over the mountain, he said. We can find our way through, he said. Let the ring-bearer decide, he said. Do you want to know what this cat said?

It was cold. Oh, it was cold. I hid inside the wizard's robes, and it was still cold. I hid under the dwarf's beard, and it was still cold. I hid inside the dwarf's shirt, and it was still cold. And when I finally felt I was getting warm, I slipped inside the dwarf's underwear. At this point, I decided I'd rather face the cold than the stench. So I clawed my way out. Dwarf was not happy about it. He looks strangely at me, fingering his axe. I've decided to stick with the wizard until the dwarf can sit on his nether regions again.

And now we're up against a wall, while the wizard tries to remember the password. The rest are finally starting to realise he's not that bright after all. And when we finally got through, thanks to the hobbit, a giant tentacled creature attacked us.

~*~

As the Watcher reached out to get Frodo, the rest of the company launched an attack to the monster. 

Naturally, so did Gingerhead.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

What's this? Seafood! I haven't had seafood in ages! Let me go, stupid wizard! Let me have it!

Elf fired a couple of successful shots at this giant squid. I knew I'd get him trained, sooner or later. 

Wizard dragged me along into the darkness. I'm really, really annoyed. I've missed my seafood dinner, I've lost Bill the pony and everything down here smells of death.

I don't like it here. I want to get out.

~*~

Gollum has caught up with the ring-bearer. His presence hasn't gone unnoticed by Gingerhead, of course. At some point, he jumped off Gandalf's hands, crawled up to the entrance of a dark passage and sniffed the air. Then he arched his back, fluffed up and hissed at the darkness.

Everyone was alerted by his reaction, readying bows and blades, expecting another monster to come out of the shadows. 

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I can see you! I know you're down there, so better come out peacefully and I promise you a painless death. 

Hey, what all that fuss? 

~*~

A mouse came out of the shadows and Gingerhead caught him in a blink of an eye.

Everyone sighed in relief. At least, that was the first time it happened.

The fifteenth time, they were all rather pissed off.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

It was very kind of you to assist me with my hunting, but I can manage on my own, thank you.

On the other hand, everyone seems rather jumpy down here. I think I can have a little fun now. In every dark corner I'll fluff up and hiss, and see how they wet their pants. 

OK, I think I'll stop now. Even Gandalf is annoyed by now. The hobbits are really scared, Aragorn has this murderous stare again and Gimli has started fingering his axe. On top of this, someone has actually wetted his pants. I wonder who that is... The stench is unbearable, worse than the dwarf's underwear. Pretty elf has turned to a light shade of green.

If any of them dies, I'm definitely not eating them.

I'm not _that_ hungry.

Time for strategic retreat under wizard's hat.

Wake me up when we've reached the other side. Or when it's time for dinner, but better wash your hands before touching me. 

I'll have to lick that fur, eventually.

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Gingerhead wants some catnip, and I'd like some reviews, please. Reviews are *my* catnip.


	5. First course: roasted troll with orc sal...

Author's notes: I'm following the films, and not much of the books.

Many thanks to everyone who has following Gingerhead's adventure and were kind enough to let us know.

My darker fics, "Of Death and Fire" (Harry Potter), "Daughter of Darkness" (LotR) and "Where no Shadows Fall" (Diablo) are temporarily on hold, at least for the following ten days or so. Due to what's going on in the world, I need something lighter to cheer me up. Which includes reviews. So, after you're done with this chapter, why not check out the above mentioned stories?

CHAPTER 5: First course: roasted troll with orc salad. Balrog for desert.

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Are we there yet?

No? What a surprise.

With Wizard-servant leading us, what would I expect? Where are we, by the way? Another dark, gloomy room full of corpses. Gandalf put me down on a cold stone box, and the dwarf is crying over something. Not a pretty sight. Perhaps I should comfort him. We cats know very well when others are sad. Perhaps I should go over there and lick the tears from his furry face. 

And perhaps I should as well ignore him. If he wanted consolation, he shouldn't have eaten garlic last night. 

OK, what's that stone thing I'm standing on? Well, what do you know, it's a tomb. Dog-person Boromir has now murderous look as well, as if he wished I was under the lid and not on top of it. I guess he found out I used his boots as a toilet last night. It's not my fault! I just had to do something to improve the stench coming out of them. Kitty-pee smells way better. I wish his dogs were here. This would surely confuse them, finding their master smelling like a cat.

Wizard-servant reads out of a book. Hello? It's not the time for fairy tales, Gandalf.

~*~

The Fellowship was attacked by orcs and their cave troll. Everyone got ready to fight, including Gingerhead. Gimli jumped on top of Balin's tomb, Gingerhead on top of Gimli's helm.

"Let them know there's one Dwarf in Moria who still draws breath!" cried Gimli, as the assaulting orcs broke in.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Wrong statement, shortie. You should have said 'passes gas' rather than 'draws breath'. This should scare them away. Mental note to avoid all area around dwarf next time the Hobbits cook beans for dinner.

Gimli son of something jumped off tomb, sending me flying on ugly orc's face. I screamed. Orc screamed back. Oh, the stench coming out of his mouth! Worse that dog-person's boots! I fluffed up, I hissed and clawed through his malformed flesh. He raised his club to beat me, but I jumped off in time. Stupid beast beat his own head. For the past five minutes I've been trying to drag his corpse to the side and finally have my breakfast. Unfortunately, it's way too heavy. Hello? A helping hand down here?

Wow, what is that mountain of flesh? Is this a troll? I've never seen one before. I've never eaten one, either. Gingerhead, forget orc salad. You're having roasted troll for dinner.

~*~

After a long fight, during which the troll tried to impale Frodo, Legolas shot two successful arrows into the beast's head. Gingerhead had strategically jumped on top of the troll's head, driving razor sharp claws into the troll's eyes.

After it was slain, everyone ran to check on Frodo.

Needless to say Gingerhead was very much pissed off.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Excuse me? I saved your sorry skins and no cheers? If it weren't for me, elf, your face wouldn't be as pretty with troll's club's imprint on it. Gandalf, I'm greatly disappointed. I expected as much from the humans, but you should know better. On the other hand, you are still clueless about my name.

I'm leaving furballs in everyone's boots tonight, and blame it on the dwarf. With so much fur on his skin, no one will know the difference.

~*~

Under the sounds of more orcs approaching, they made their way to the Bridge of Khazad-Dum. Gingerhead clawed and chewed on dead troll, before Gandalf picked him up.

"Leave it alone, Draco. It's dead now," he said.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I know it's dead! I killed it! And now I want to eat it, stupid human!

Oh, it's hopeless. _You_ are hopeless.

I swear, one of these days you'll run across a foe mightier than yourself, and I won't lift a paw to assist you.

~*~

Naturally, the cat was right. A Balrog of Morgoth came out of the Shadows and Gandalf challenged him on the Bridge of Khazad-Dum.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Me and my big mouth. I know I said I won't lift a paw, but this is one big demon. Ok, I'm coming to your rescue.

Let me go, hobbit! Let me go, I tell you! Wizard-servant needs my assistance!

Well, I'm surprised. He actually pulled it through without my help. By the time I reached him, the demon was falling in the void below. I walk to the edge and look down. Too bad I didn't get a bite off the Balrog. I have a soft spot for smoked ham.

Hey, I can still see the demon! I hiss and spit at him, letting him know what I think of him. If the wizard could defeat him on his own, he's a poor excuse of a demon.

Oh, no, he's not that far away. It seems I've pissed him off and he lashes out with his fiery whip to get him. Gingerhead, run!

I don't believe this. Instead of me, he caught the wizard! Gandalf fell into the shadow!

He's gone. I'm kind of sad, actually, now that he's dead.

And I never got to have one bite.

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Next chapter: Lothlorien. You didn't think Haldir would escape Gingerhead's claws, did you?


	6. Hunting season in LothLorien

Author's notes: The cat invades LohLorien. In this chapter I'll be discussing several things, among them an issue that has troubled me for years: where do the Galadhrim pee?

Later on, there's a sex scene (just implied) between two consenting elves and a non-consenting cat.

CHAPTER 6: Hunting season in LothLorien.

The Fellowship travelled from the mines of Moria to Lothlorien. After Gandalf's fall, Frodo took over Gingerhead's care.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

With the wizard gone, I don't feel very safe around these folk anymore. I think Aragorn has an evil plan about me and I don't like Boromir's look either. Thankfully, Frodo became the cat-bearer as well. And I still don't understand why they insist on calling him the ring-bearer. I'm far more important.

Nice forest, this one. At last, some rest. And this is a nice stream, clear water to drink from and perhaps fish in it.

Gingerhead, think again. All of them have put their feet in the stream, claiming it refreshes sore muscles. Rather a lame excuse for washing them. However, I'm certain the residents of these woods would be devastated by the ecological impact of these filthy feet in the water. Mental note not to eat anything they fish out. I don't think anything will survive the filth, anyway.

Aragorn has that stare again.

~*~

For a while, Aragorn played with the idea of throwing that menace of a cat in the stream of Nimrodel. He suspected that Boromir and Gimli would back him up with Legolas and the hobbits.

However, no one would back him up with Arwen. And this was not a risk he was willing to take.

As they moved further into the forest, a voice came from the trees above.

"The dwarf breaths so loud we could have shot you in the dark".

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

And wait until you hear him fart.

Oh, good, more elves. 

~*~

Aragorn tried to convince Haldir to let the Fellowship pass through Lothlorien. The Elf looked at Frodo, saying he carried great evil with him.

Haldir meant the One Ring.

Aragorn was looking at Gingerhead on Frodo's lap.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Time to visit ground level again, for my private business. Frodo rather worried seeing my climb down, but I'm perfectly safe on my own, thank you. After I finish, I can't help wondering where those tree elves relieve themselves. Perhaps they pee off the trees? I've decided to follow the one named Haldir until I find out.

Yes, I was right. 

I wouldn't like to be in that squirrel's place. Mental note not to hunt anything in this forest. I can never know what kind of 'rain' has fallen on their heads.

~*~

In the middle of the night, Haldir climbs down to check on some orcs that have entered the woods. He's followed by a hungry Gingerhead. On his way back up, Haldir is unfortunate enough to be on the escape root of a panicked Gingerhead who had just remembered that orcs are carnivores too.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

One more myth around elves dispelled. They don't move as noiselessly as they are thought to do. Especially when I claw my way up their back. And, unlike us cats, they don't land on their feet. They land on their butts.

I think Haldir has a matching set of scratches and bruises. And he starts to look at me like Aragorn does. Perhaps I should leave pet human alone for a while and focus on elf. 

It's way funnier when he gets angry. I'll leave him a furball tonight and blame it on the dwarf again. This would be fun to watch!

~*~

The Fellowship was taken before Celeborn and Galadriel. 

For her, it was love on first sight. 

For him it was "Oh, no, another pathetic creature she'll be bringing home with her".

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Fair Elf-Lady loves me. She's the grandmother of pretty Elf-Lady who has pet-human. Now I can torture him as much as I like. He won't dare attempting anything in her presence.

Fair Elf Lady takes me around tree-city. She takes me to a place where other elves sing and play the lute. She tells me they sing a lament for the wizard. She puts me down and leaves. If they sing for my servant, I feel I should join them. I start mewing, and the leading elf stares at me rather amused. 

After half an hour of continuous mewing, he's no longer amused.

He gently picks me up from my neck and puts me out, closing the door behind him. 

I claw my way up through the open window, and start mewing again. He picks me up and puts me out again, shutting the window too.

I repeat the same procedure with three different windows.

When I'm sure I've made my point, I leave to find someone else to annoy.

Oh, great. Here's Haldir.

~*~

Haldir walked downward to the healers, to have his scratches taken care of. He had never thought that a kitten's claws could be as sharp. As he descends the staircase, he trips over a strategically placed Gingerhead.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Great, it worked! Elf fell down the stairs in a completely undignified way, landing on his butt once more. As I walk closer to sniff him, I can see the familiar murderous stare. He stands up and starts chasing me. So I run.

He kept chasing me through the Healers' place and through the bakers' establishment. Next batch of elfish cakes will be sprinkled with cat hairs, not to mention the pawprints on them. Finally, I see Fair Elf Lady and hide behind her.

Elf named Haldir is in deep trouble.

~*~

Galadriel stared at Haldir coldly. She picked up the trembling kitten that hid behind her.

"I'm very disappointed of you, Haldir," she said icily, before turning to leave with Gingerhead in her arms.

The cat climbed on her shoulder and looked at Haldir. The elf could swear the cat was sneering.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I purr away in her arms. I hope I can make her keep me. No matter how much I like the hobbits, I'd rather stay with her. I make a new plan: make her dumb her elf-pet Celeborn and adopt me in his place.

As she falls in bed, I crawl up in her arms purring.

~*~

Lord Celeborn changed into his best nightshirt, groomed his hair and got ready to get in bed. He had hoped to 'get lucky' tonight. However, on approaching the bed, he saw his wife was already in another's arms.

Galadriel was sleeping with the cat.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I know that look. Elf-pet wants to mate and I'm in the way. 

Great! This is going to be real fun. 

I do not resist as he puts me down on the floor. I take a peek and see him trying to groom Fair Elf-Lady. I climb up to bed and stare at him, looking really interested in the grooming ritual. He puts me down again. I climb back up.

Well, what do you know? Elves have tails too. I walk closer and sniff it. 

~*~

Sensing something sniffing his privates, Celeborn cried out in surprise and unwillingly kicked the cat off the bed. Galadriel stared at him in horror.

"How could you? It's just a kitten!"

Celeborn stormed out of the bedchamber, while Gingerhead hid purring in Galadriel's lap.

~*~

The next day, Haldir, having slept uncomfortably due to his bruises from the fall, confronted an equally cranky Celeborn.

"If the cat stays," said Haldir, "I'm leaving".

"If the cat stays," replied Celeborn in a tired voice, "I'll be leaving too".

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Now, Gingerhead expects a review. Also, tell your friend about him. He just loves attention (in case this wasn't already clear).


	7. The poor, defenceless kitten

Author's notes: Galadriel's Mirror probably can't be used as I describe here. Humor me and pretend it does.

****

CHAPTER 7: The poor, defenceless kitten.

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I think I've made a mistake pissing off pet Elf-Lord. He's not that bad, after all. He's far better than pet-human Aragorn. Smells better, too. 

I think it's time I should try and make up with him. 

So I rise from my comfortable place between the two sleeping elves and I crawl over next to him, purring loudly. He doesn't wake up.

Drastic measures are in order.

So I try to show him my appreciation by licking up his face. He tastes rather yummy, actually.

What? What did I do now?

~*~

Celeborn woke up by the feeling of someone licking his ear. He smiled, still half asleep and reached out to Galadriel.

"You're feeling naughty this morning, my love?" he purred.

However, his hand caught empty space.

"What on Arda's name are you talking about, Celeborn?" Galadriel's annoyed voice came from the exact opposite direction of the naughty tongue.

Celeborn opened his eyes and saw Gingerhead staring back at him.

He had never been so embarrassed in all his life. And this was a looong time.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I still don't understand why Elf-Lord doesn't like me. What else should I do?

Oh, well. I'll try again tomorrow. 

Time for breakfast. I think I'll go to the bakers. The elf in charge there rather likes me. It's natural. We share the same love for food.

I spot my victim and mew loudly. Hello! And what's this? Lembas? Do I look like a pigeon to you? I want milk, bloody milk! Here's what I think of your lembas. I'll bury it as I do with my, well, private business.

Finally, he got the point. Tasty milk. On my way out, I'll take the lembas with me. You can never know if you'll find food tomorrow.

~*~

An hour later, Frodo finds Gingerhead lying on the ground, belly up, having eaten a whole piece of lembas bread.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

I suppose you forgot to mention that one bite of that thing can fill the stomach of a grown man. I think I'll burst.

*_Ten minutes later_.*

Ok, I'm fine now. That bread was quite good, actually. I wonder if it comes to any other flavour. Squirrel, perhaps.

Now I'm bored. What should I do now? I know! Exercise: tree climbing. I'll make my way to the highest branch and mew until I'm "saved".

~*~

Galadriel stared in horror at the sight of a small, defenceless kitten mewing in despair on top of one of the highest branches. Many others gathered around her, but not everyone shared her feelings.

Aragorn: _Good. Leave him up there_.

Boromir: _Where's my bow?_

Gimli: _Where's my axe? I'll cut the tree down, save the kitten and Galadriel might kiss me._

Legolas: _Perhaps I should climb up and get him. On the other hand, frightened kittens have sharp claws. I just had a facial_.

Frodo: _Poor kitty!_

Sam: _Poor tree!_

Merry and Pippin: _Good. More food for us now_.

Celeborn: _If he stays away from my bed, it's fine with me_.

Haldir: _Hehehe_...

However, while everyone else had the wits to keep their thoughts to themselves, Haldir chuckled loudly. And this did not go unnoticed by the Lady of the Galadhrim. She glanced at him coldly.

"Haldir, climb up and get him." And her tone indicated she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer.

__

That does it, he thought as he climbed up_. I'm defecting to Saruman_.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Hey, look who's coming! Haldir, my favourite scratching post. Ok, perhaps I'll show him my appreciation by sparing him my weight on the way back. I'll climb back down on my own and let him enjoy the view privately. Why is he crying now? I thought he would be relieved I'm safe.

I have the feeling Haldir did not appreciate my selfless act. I think he was quite annoyed.

I wonder why.

~*~

The next day, Celeborn woke up to find Gingerhead sitting on his chest, having in his teeth the bloodied remains of a sparrow. He shrieked in horror by the unexpected view and jumped out of bed in a completely undignified way for the Lord of the Galadhrim.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

What? I have brought you breakfast, to show you what a capable hunter I am.

He's not happy.

When dogs do it, everyone approves. When I do it, they shriek in horror.

Admit it, Gingerhead. You're way above these pathetic bipeds. They will never realise your true value.

~*~

Galadriel invited Frodo to see through her mirror. Frodo stared as images passed before his eyes. He saw things that were, things that are and things that had not yet come to pass. And then he vision became blur.

Gingerhead was drinking from the mirror.

~*~

__

Gingerhead's POV.

Thanks for the lovely water dish.

Oh, I was not supposed to drink from it? I was supposed to look in it? Why?

Oh, well...

Hey that's me! Is this the future? I see myself older and fatter. And stunningly handsome, if I may add. Where is this place? It seems that there are others with me, a human named John and a dog named Oddie.

A dog? This can't be right.

~*~

As night fell over Lothlorien and Gingerhead slept peacefully in Galadriel's arms, Celeborn sneaked away to the mirror to communicate with Elrond. The face of his son in law appeared in the water surface, clearly annoyed.

"What do you want, Celeborn? I hope this is a matter of Elfish security, or I'll be really annoyed," he hissed.

"It is," replied Celeborn grimly. "That cat is here".

Elrond's face instantly became serious.

"Is this so?"

"Yes!" came Celeborn's harsh reply. "It's a menace! Haldir has made it clear that if the cat stays, he'll join Saruman's army and, trust me, he means it. That accursed cat sleeps in my bed, Elrond, between my wife and me! If I ever consider a threesome, believe me, it won't be with that blasted cat!" And then he realised he was shouting. He raised his head to see if anyone had heard him. Unfortunately, a few elves had. And one of them was winking at him, encouraged by his last statement. _I'll deal with you later_, he though and turned his attention to Elrond. Who, in turn, had turned slightly green. This was more information about his in-laws' love life than he wanted.

"Well," Elrond said, "he can't come here. If he sets paw on Imladris again, I'm sailing to the West."

"Don't be ridiculous, Elrond, we all know you get sea-sick."

Elrond frowned. How on Arda had this come out?

"Believe me, Celeborn, I'd rather puke all the way to the Undying Lands than live with that little menace of a cat. But trust me, I'll think of a plan."

~*~

__

Poor, innocent Gingerhead had no idea of their evil planning. He was sleeping peacefully, dreaming he was sharpening his claws on Aragorn's back.

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"Milk, bloody milk!" A tribute to my favourite Brit, Lord Edmund Blackadder.

"A human named John and a dog named Oddie". All bow before the true Master, Jim Davies and his cat-owner Garfield.

Now, what are you waiting for? REVIEW!


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